"OMG - I could never do that"

Actually you could and you would if you had to. Whenever I tell someone the things I've had to endure, I always get the same response, "Omg I could never do that". This is by far the most annoying response anyone could receive because it's ignorant and obnoxious. I'm not here to write all the things I've gone through over the years to have a pity party here. I am here to tell you that when SHIT HAPPENS, you have absolutely no other choice than to just deal with it (and deal with it as best you can). I am 29 years old and have moved exactly 26 times. Some of these moves have been of interest on my part, but MANY others, I've literally had NO CHOICE. My family and I always used to joke about how one day I'd own my own moving company. Ya right - as if this bitch can lift anymore (that's a whole other story in itself). I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease 11 years ago. I get the, "omg I could never not eat pasta or bread like ever". Umm, last I checked, you probably could because I don't and look at me - I think I'm still alive. I've been fortunate enough to own my own car but it wasn't always like that. I've often had to resort to public transportation because A) I couldn't afford a car to begin with & B) I had to give up my car because I had lost my job/s (that's also yet another story in itself). Not that public transportation is bad by any means, but we all know how much easier life can be with your own vehicle. I often heard, "uch I could never take the bus". My question is - what if you had to? What if you had absolutely NO CHOICE? What if Uber, Cabs, and other lift options just weren't an option for you? I grew up in a community that is privileged and I'm not saying that's a bad thing at all, but the comments of "I don't know how you do it" need to stop. When you don't have options, you have to pick yourself up, do what you have to to survive, and move on. Here's a good one, I was also diagnosed about 3 years ago with a chronic pain disorder. i was born misaligned and through my competitive dancing and heavy gym ratting my muscles slowly started having to overcompensate. I pushed too hard and boom - pain signals no longer turn off. My years of dance and weight lifting are really difficult for me. I can do it here and there, but I can't do classes and spinning, or heavy lifting anymore. I usually hear the, "OMG I could never not work out ever - like its my life". News Flash - it was my life and unfortunately I've had to adapt and adjust to losing a huge part of myself. 

So I guess I just needed to vent, or just write because it's been a while, but the next time you think you CANT do something, you most probably COULD.  Maybe you'll be lucky enough to never have to make these kinds of choices (doubtful but lucky you if that's the case!). Honestly though, the next time someone tells you what they're going through, instead of responding by saying "I don't know how you do it", or "I could never do that" - think twice, because you most probably could if you had no choice. 

Independent Hopeless Romantic

I don't need you to put my necklace on, but you can get me one to show you care.

I don't need you to zip up the back of my dress, but I do need you to zip it down.

I don't need you to lift heavy things for me, but you can if you want to.

I don't need you to install electrical devices, but it's sexy when you do.

I don't need you to reach for things, I can do it from being mounted on your shoulders. 

I don't need you to set up IKEA furniture, but we can do it together.

I don't need you to tell me I'm beautiful, but you can show me in your own way.

I don't need anything from you, but I want you. 

-words from an independent hopeless romantic

#feels

Be Tough. Be Strong. Be Grateful

My #feelers!! I have missed you. Shame on me for not writing in so long but a lot has happened in the last 6 weeks that I finally found the time to tell my tale. It goes a little something like this. 

BE TOUGH. BE STRONG. BE GRATEFUL. 

Moving away from home in the hopes of making a better life for myself was not an easy decision. It was something I felt needed to happen for many years now, but never had the courage to go for it. Montreal will always be my home and it holds a very dear place in my heart, but it just wasn't working. It was like a bad relationship. I just keep giving it excuses for when I knew deep down it just wasn't right. Due to all the changes I've been through in my life and the lack of bilingualism, opportunity for success in my own city was out of the question. It was only a matter of time. All this to say: I finally fucking did it!!!! Little did I know though, it wouldn't be as easy as I had pictured it in my head. To be perfectly honest, up until last week, I was battling a big case of depression, self-doubt, lack of self-worth, and complete uncertainty. I was feeling extremely lonely, isolated, panicked, and intensely homesick. I have been working 2 jobs 6 days per week (one of which a position, industry, and company so brand spanking new to me). Within these past 6 weeks, I have driven back and forth from Montreal to Toronto 5 times in total (entirely ALONE) so I could save money on moving costs. I have never been more exhausted. I even have the 5 lbs I gained due to the stress to prove it (ugh).....  I was starting to #feel like I had given up way more than I had considered; my friends, my family, my car, my independence, my freedom, and my lifestyle. What the **** did I do?

And then one fine day it all made sense. 

Long story short, I surpassed half of the goals I set out for myself upon moving to Toronto (with a little compromise of course). I got two jobs in two weeks, I became a recruiter which is something I've always wanted to try, I get to move to a high rise in the ever so exciting area of Yonge and Eglington, and I get to experience living with an old friend, which could be so much fun! (shoutout to my little elephant!). Yes I am crazy for moving for the third time in 6 weeks, but once I do I am staying put (for at least a year;) My goals to continue working on are the following and I am writing them down here for the world to see so there is no going back:

find happiness without materials 

open my heart to loving again

continue exploring my career interests 

get a dog

save $

travel more

So although I had my fair share of sadness, nasty emotions, and a severe case of the blues, I stayed true to my thick skin. I am currently in a state of gratefulness for all that I have accomplished on my own and all that I have.  I am minus in funds, but plus in experience. Oh and I'm Yonge and Eligible ;)

Namaste and happy 4/20 ;)

Harder Than It Looks // Baby Steps

Ok - so as some of you may know, last year I was able to put a big check ✓ next to a major bucket list adventure by going to Thailand and Bali with a backpack and solo 🌍.  Of course the list keeps growing everyday, but I am now able to say that I am a waitress at a cute little cafe resto!! I know this is the weirdest thing you've read in a while, but it's always been on my bucket list to see what its like. I don't know why that is (call me crazy) but check, check, check. 

What in the *&^% was I thinking!!! I mean granted I've been a barista too ;), but serving in a restaurant is V.E.R.Y. hard. My back is breaking and I feel like I got hit by a bus. Do I want to do that for the rest of my life? No! Absolutely not but it's a job I've taken in the interim while I continue to set up a nice little (actually big) life for myself in Toronto. I went from corporate positions to being a waitress but hey - you do what you gotstaaaaa.

My first week is almost up so here is what I've been up to!

1) Got a job within my first day as a server! Come to Pantry Foods for a visit and watch me make a million mistakes 🙈. Just kidding I'm already a pro!!

2) Took the bus and subway to the complete other side of town to explore, found a cute cafe, blogged of course, and applied to positions that actually seem exciting rather than just anything. 

3) Went on a dinner date to Grazie: ;) Yum Yum. #singlelifeforever

4) Had some phone interviews, set up some for next week (wish me luck).

5) Went to a fundraiser / networking event and had a nlast from the past (literally bumped into old teachers and schoolmates in a new city - imagine that).

6) Met my cousins for the first time <3 .="" awesome="" font="" kids.="" such="">

7) Caught up with my very special aunt who is one of a kind!

8) Got honked at a few times because I forgot to turn right on red...Woopsy.

9) Tried my first Poke bowl @ Pokito.

10) Meditated for the first time with a girlfriend <3 boo.="" energized.="" felt="" font="" for="" i="" so="" thanks="" that="">

It's Friday night, my body is aching from my shift and I can't feel my feet.

Weekend is jam packed so hopefully I make it out alive.

Lesson of the day: I may not be where I want to be right now and I think I am going to have to take a few steps back, but baby steps is ok. 

Never Say Never : Jump

So as most of you know if you are a dedicated #feeler, I have been fighting with the idea of potentially moving out of Montreal and to a new place for a fresh start. For quite some time I was debating between staying in Canada or relocating somewhere in the states since I am a dual citizen (lucky me). Although I was born and partially raised in Montreal, there has been a big part of me that never really felt like it was home. The only and most important reason I contemplated staying was for the most amazing friends and family I have and the unhealthy attachment I had to my apartment and car (for which I finally had worked my way up in achieving that for myself). The thought of giving all that up and starting over (for the 6th time in my life) put me into a very deep depression, and I soon began to feel hopeless, anxious, and at times paralysed from fear. Just a few short weeks ago, as positive as I was trying my best to be, I was not well. I didn't want to be around friends, I was crying non-stop, and I even cancelled a Valentines day date (sorry)! Something just wasn't working in Montreal and that needed to change #realquick. Afterall, getting laid off twice in one year was a clear sign something wasn't working. 

It was a Wednesday night. I was down in the dumps and NOT okay. I had had ENOUGH. I was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, tears rolling down my cheeks, and tossing and turning the entire night. I don't know how it happened or what gave, but in that moment I had my epiphany where it all made sense. I was going to listen to my intuition and just JUMP. Ya, you could say I'm pretty good at that. 

After living here before, I had always said never again, but ladies and gentleman, as Justin Believer would say, "Never Say Never". In the past, Toronto scared me. It's so so huge and slightly overwhelming, but of course nothing I can't handle;) I was young the last time I was here and also not in the best shape so perhaps I associated the city with negativity. I knew it had potential for me and for whatever reason it just seemed like the best solution. Toronto is the best of both worlds for me. I already have tons of friends and family here, past experience, familiarity, english as english gets, and it's not a 6 hour plane ride away from my fam & friends. My amazing auntie welcomed me into her second bedroom until I set myself up here and it was just that easy. People have been asking me if I've moved to Toronto and my answer is most likely. I am 95% sure I am here to stay. 

In the meantime let's see what happens, but so far so good! It's been two days and great things are already happening. I have interviews lined up, caught up with an old girlfriend alongside her showing me how to meditate (wow I felt energized after), and met my cousin for the very first time. Love being on adventures and I am proud of myself for taking the jump. Not to mention my road trip down was 5 hours of coffee drinking, music blasting, and DJ PERL dancing and spinning in the volks! (I'll get back into my deck soon) More DJ PERL to come.

Can't wait for day 3! 

Cousin Love

Walking Away

Yesterday, for the second time in my life I've had to walk away from something that was {extremely} & {brutally} difficult, but also so easy and crystal clear. I recently accepted a job offer after being unemployed for the last two months and it seemed like this was IT. It had all the potential to be Great and I was so excited to finally put my unemployment behind me - with a stable career in near sight. I have always given new positions my all and my time, but this was on a whole other level. Within 48 hours I ate nothing, got up to pee only once per day, sent 50 emails per hour on the hour, and was left alone to work on only my second day. I won't go into too many details (let's keep it professional here), but I have never grown to be so unhappy with something in such a short period of time. My unhappiness was insta instant. Let me just say that you couldn't pay me a million dollars no taxes deducted to have continued doing the work I was subjected to. My intuition (which has always been right) was knocking on my heart and spewing up the signs to peace out real fast. I didn't even have the time to take a deep breath and push the gut feelings back down. Needless to say, I spent those two nights tossing and turning asking myself if the (low) income was even worth my health, my soul, and my ability to even function as a human being. I came to realise that anything would be better than being in that situation. I was surviving my best without an income and I will continue to survive and sacrifice what I have to in order to find my happiness with something else. Two friends of mine who have helped me evaluate the situation said to me "you know what's best for you". Damn straight I do and I will not settle for anything less. Granted, I will have to make sacrifices on a daily basis to survive now, but I sure as hell will not settle for the most recent situation I was put in. We all have options, and we are never desperate. Stand up for yourself no matter how hard it is, no matter who is watching, & no matter who judges. Do what is good for you. End of story. 

I have the love, will work for mojitos.

Bubbles & More

Three ways that help me cope after a long day (specific to maperly):

1) Hot Bath after work
     2) Hot Bath before bed     
         3) Hot Bath all day every day. 

Did I mention a Hot Bath? I take a lot of baths and I'll share why in another post (stay tuned), but this is my coping mechanism as strange as it is. I write, catch up on instagram/snapchat/facebook, and even watch netflix & eatz in the tub!!!. There it is. The secret to my survival. Weird I no, but hey, no one ever said being normal was good. What's your coping mechanism for a stressful day and a hectic schedule!?